In Defense of Brides vs Bridezillas
Posted on | June 1, 2010 | 4 Comments
For those who are etymologists, I seem to remember (I’m sure you will correct me if I’m wrong) that Stacy Morrison, then the editor of Modern Bride, came up with the word. She wanted to run a hysterically funny cartoon series featuring Bridezilla as the main character, but the publisher was way too nervous at the time and, thinking readers would rebel, refused to run it.
Personally, I’ve never really been too keen on the term as 1. I just don’t think any sane, decent person all of a sudden morphs into a monster ONLY because she’s getting married and 2. because what a surprise, no term for difficult grooms? I’ve always suggested Groomensteins, but it never caught on…
The abundance of dumb, trashy and melodramatic shows around weddings has contributed to the caricature of the bride as a giant, insatiable, bulldozer whose only vocabulary consists of “I want” and whose only other forms of communication are crying, foot-stamping, tantrum-throwing and generally being extraordinarily nasty to everyone around them. Here’s the glitch: how about perfectly lovely women who have a very specific idea of their taste and style, know very well what they like and what they don’t, and may just have a few ideas that complicate things, but they really, really want them, does that make them monstrous? Isn’t there a bit of the classic confusion at work here, ie. strong woman = bitch?
Two anecdotes to illustrate:
Many years ago I planned a wedding in Central Park at The Boathouse, where the bride had chosen the space because she had a fantasy of arriving via gondola on the lake with her father. I think it’s far less complicated to arrange now, but then it was a major ordeal. Her parents, the banquet manager, her fiance – all were intent on convincing her that it was a waste of time and energy to continue trying to make it happen after we ran into some difficulties. This is a very lovely women we are talking about, really a doll, but she had her heart set on this midsummer night’s dream arrival, and I felt, as her advocate, that it was my job to make it happen. Eventually we prevailed, and pulled it off. She was incredibly grateful, feeling that we were co-conspirators in saving her dream.
Recently, a delicious couple we are working with was choosing between a classic, traditional venue and a downtown loft space. The bride knew from the start what she wanted, that despite all the usual arguments: Will you look back and regret it in 10 years.. Most of her family and friends have had traditional weddings.. The classic venue has an iconic name that resonates with people.. She deeply wanted a very different sort of wedding, and she stuck to her guns. She did it gracefully, politely and lovingly, not a smidge of a ‘zilla in sight, and her fiance and family correctly decided the venue was far more important to her than it was to them – so they acquiesced.
The point to all this? The opposite of a Bridezilla is not a dishrag, it’s a woman who has opinions and grace in equal measure.
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4 Responses to “In Defense of Brides vs Bridezillas”
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June 1st, 2010 @ 4:16 pm
As a strong woman, I have to congratulate with you for what you wrote.
However, why don’t you stretch it just a little bit more?
For example, why don’t you address the fact that a strong woman *might* indeed go ballistic *because* of the amount of bland, run-o-the-mill wedding ideas that the average wedding-related vendors literally PUSH on her?
Think about this… you go to a car dealer because you want a baby pink Aston Martin. The dealer tries to talk you out of it for 10 minutes. Then he tells you “it comes with a surcharge”. If you agree he does indeed deliver.
In the wedding industry on the other hand, many many MANY planners try to talk you out of your dream just because it’s too much work for them! Well, folks, raise your rate, and then get it done!! As an alternative, just plain say “I don’t feel like doing it” but then don’t expect to be paid/retained — it’s not my job as a bride to give money to a vendor even when s/he doesn’t perform/deliver!
I’ve never seen a tailor, a car dealer, a hair stylist or a make-up artist botching a color matching job and then calling you a something-zilla. But I have, unfortunately, seen wedding planners doing an awful job at color matching and somehow expect not only to be paid in full, but also not to be ranted at.
A little bit too much, don’t you think?
Why isn’t ANY vendor addressing THIS issue?
June 3rd, 2010 @ 8:07 am
Great post, Marcy! I love your term “delicious couple.” It’s too bad the media doesn’t revere delicious couples and strong, graceful women in its portrayal of brides and weddings, at least in the “reality shows.” I can’t help but think the term “bridezilla” and the shows that highlight atrocious behavior give tacit (or not so tacit) permission for people to act outrageously.
Your post paints an alternative, yet brilliant, powerful and accurate portrayal of bridal reality and new words to describe that reality. Thank you for doing so.
June 4th, 2010 @ 5:44 am
I agree, I also enjoy your writing style, Marcy. (As English is my second language, I find elegant writing especially inspiring).
As always, the media is making money, and unfortunately “crazy stories” sell more than “just” beautiful ones. It’s nice of you, Marcy, to establish a counter-balance to the cliché term “bridezilla”. I’m happy to be in the business of getting to know couples and their dreams and to indulge in creativity to make them happen. It must be easier in illustrations though to realize a bride’s vision – my deep respect to wedding planners/designers who make exceptional dreams come true in actual events.
June 22nd, 2010 @ 1:26 pm
Thank you for this post! I’m planning my wedding right now and have always been a perfectionist and someone who loves planning things. I knew that when it came time to plan my wedding I would know what I want and take action. Nothing rude, crazy, or mean. Just taking care of business.
I knew even before I was engaged that someone would try to call me bridezilla. (A friend who is not a fan or weddings or anything romantic hinted at it once.) So before my long-time boyfriend and I got engaged, I told my best girls never call me that (not even joking!) cause I knew that it would hurt my feelings so much.
LOVE this post.